My body was letting me down – I felt pregnant. Smells were setting me off, my headaches had returned, there was pain, I was bloated AND I had gone off coffee! I didn’t understand it and I was becoming seriously triggered by other mothers who had welcomed multiple children earthside.
However miraculously, Dave and I seemed to finally be on the same page about moving forward, we felt that our healing wouldn’t begin until we had another life forming inside us – a baby. But life can beautiful and life can be mean, and for whatever reason our faits weren’t aligning, despite my body constantly hinting that I was indeed pregnant, I was not. The hurt was unbearable and I was starting to question, why? Why had Louis been taken from us when other families were blessed with several children? We were good people, with a safe house, a huge backyard, animals to share, a loving family! A beautiful big brother who longed for an earthside sibling – we deserved that didn’t we? Why had we been dealt so much pain? I just didn’t understand.
I had spent my whole life believing that everything happens for a reason, how was I going to redirect my way of thinking – I couldn’t! I began asking Louis aloud, ‘where’s our baby?’
I’d also begun to feel sad when entering the nursery because I’d started to dread the thought that we may need to pack it all away one day. What if we couldn’t have another baby?
I was hurt by the people I had given my all to over years of friendship together, who weren’t there during our heartache. The list was endless but there was one friendship in particular that was playing on my mind, even though I knew I wasn’t on theirs – because deep down I knew I was just facing facts. The utmost trauma had occurred and six months on, I still hadn’t seen them! There was just no excuse this time, for I had been making excuses for them our whole lives. They should have been at our door step, or at the very least been at my parent’s door step, but they weren’t, they weren’t there.
Another close friend mentioned they hadn’t replied to a message from them and asked how they’d been going? They were asking out of good faith with the understanding I would have been in recent contact – I hadn’t. My reply was blunt, ‘I wouldn’t know.’ They continued, ‘I felt so bad, I need to get back to them,’ the silence was overwhelming and I could feel my eyes welling. ‘I haven’t heard from them in months,’ I replied, ‘I haven’t even seen them,’ I added. They knew I meant I hadn’t seen them since we had lost Louis and they questioned if I had expected any different? Again, I was blunt, ‘YES!’
People were living their lives and that’s life, but I felt left behind. I felt like our losses were constantly being rubbed in our faces and I was beginning to feel there was no way out for us. I was seriously considering if I needed to change careers, but I honestly still believed that if I was destined for something else than it would find me . . .
I just didn’t understand how we could be going through so much pain while others were celebrating the announcement of a new baby – I was just hurting so so much.
My skin was sore again and I was struggling with my appearance. I had gained weight, my eyes were swollen and on Saturday May 3, the last thing I wanted to do was vote for Victorian Electoral Commission. I burst into tears on our way into town because, ‘they can’t bring our boy back!’ The words just came out, ‘they can’t help us.’
>>>>
I wish I could say things had started to ease up, but as Monday arrived, so too did the Department of Education. And, just for fun, Charlie was in riot form! He was my first problem to solve – I rang Denise to come and get him. I just couldn’t add another hat to the outfit today and I ended up in tears due to needing to ask for help. I decided I needed to address the situation again with my co-workers at a later date.
I did ask a few questions where I had come unstuck in the past, where are the Child Safe Standards located, bottle warming/cleaning policy located, and I kept checking our current ratio so to save my own back.
I honestly felt that life was out to get me, why was I copping so much shit! Every time I felt some relief, out of nowhere I’d be hit down by another trigger. Another pregnancy announcement, another dead chicken, another comment about Charlie’s behaviour, another soiled set of clothes. I just felt I was surrounded by fog and there was no sunshine in sight.
I had worked myself into a shutdown pattern as a means of coping from the outside, but on the inside, I was drowning. The anxiety and mum guilt I was holding onto regarding Charlie’s behaviour was beginning to overpower me – we just didn’t know what to do with him! The reoccurring emotion that Charlie was the way he was because I had let him down – I hadn’t raised him right – I had passed traits down to him – I wasn’t a good parent, the list goes on. But the one that hurt the most, Charlie’s behaviours were the reason we lost Louis. Everything was our fault and it was a nasty pattern I had settled into.
Come Mother’s Day weekend, there had been another two pregnancy announcements. I tried to reach out but everyone I spoke to said the same thing, ‘one day soon it will be your turn.’ What they didn’t understand was, it wasn’t that we weren’t pregnant, it was that Louis had passed while other babies were making their way earthside. It was that our little Louis wasn’t here, with us and Charlie, and it hurt so so much.
Thankfully, Sunday May 11, I woke to Charlie yelling, ‘Mummy, Mummy, want to see Mummy!’ before he dived into the bed next to me, throwing his arms around me, he said, ‘cuddle for Mummy!’ His speech had improved immensely and Dave and I were so proud of him. ‘Happy Mother’s Day Mummy,’ Charlie said, and I could feel the love from both my boys.
While enjoying my morning coffee, I was comforted by our beautiful feline, Lucy, who as the weather had started to cool was becoming a frequent insider again. But this morning she was right up in my face and I could feel her heart beating against my chest as she started to purr, she too was shearing the love. I was forced to reminisce that she was our very first baby and that she had been there through it all. Was she trying to tell me something? Or could she just feel I needed her today? Regardless I was so thankful for her, she was our girl and had been for the past nine years – we loved her.
The day that followed saw me open up to Dave about my need to have a space of my own, to breath, to write, to reminisce, to getaway. And instead of spending the money on a tiny home getaway, we discussed putting that money into camp hut down the back, looking over GrainCorp. We set up something temporary for now but planned to build a platform with a roof, where we would eventually set up a couch and weatherproof storage for blankets, self-inflatable mattress, matches etc. A place to escape. We put up fairy lights, positioned a spot for the projector screen and brought the firepit over – the irony of it was at the end of the day, we were too tired to enjoy our new oasis.
'Our Little Louis' 