I was struggling. I was reliving our delivery with Louis almost daily, every time I closed my eyes. I wasn’t scared, I was just remembering. What scared me was ‘why now?’
It happened a lot during the early months, but I had been managing my emotions better so I was scared I was falling backwards. Don’t get me wrong, I always thought of Louis, but this was different, I was reliving all the emotions I had felt in the beginning – reliving all the firsts. When we were told there was no heartbeat, sitting with him, sending the messages out, the witching hours that went on for months and the cold weather. The world had almost come full circle and both Dave and I were hurting. I was tired, but at least Charlie was thriving. He had his little boy group and a best friend, he was chatting away, eating his lunch and using the toilet.
I couldn’t remember if these memories had started once conceiving or once I ran into Danielle. I hadn’t recognised her, but I was in work mode and had entered the office to use the computer. One of the committee members was also in there and both families children were running around, one I knew so I gave her a cheeky smile and as I walked past Danielle I smiled at the child she held in her arms. She said ‘say hi Maddy!’
I was confused, I didn’t recognise her as one of the parents from the centre and I didn’t recognise any of the other children. I used the computer, shared a few laughs and returned to my room. I asked one of my colleagues who the lady was in the office and they replied ‘that’s just Dani she’s part of the committee.’
I didn’t think any more of it until I was chatting to Jess (Eloise and Harvey’s mum) weeks later. We were discussing the boy’s births and our midwives – Danielle! My heart pounded out of my chest and I burst into tears! The Danielle that had introduced me to her son and was ironically on the committee for the place I now work for, her son also attending kinder (however a different group to Charlie) was the same Danielle who had cared so deeply for our beautiful baby boy.
I contacted her straight away! I was absolutely mortified that I had not recognised her! I explained that my head just wasn’t even in that frame of mind and she was so beautiful and understanding. She replied that she was just so glad to see me so happy, back at work and obviously doing something that I loved. I explained that Jess and I often support each other and that we often visit the boys when attending the cemetery. She responded with ‘Your family and Louis. As well as Jess, Harvey and Eloise, will never leave me.’
Since then, Danielle and another midwife had organised a post loss support gift of ‘forget me not’ flower seeds and a card. Within the card it was mentioned that since the loss of Louis and Harvey the team had been working together to actively support bereaved families and this was their first step. The cards were hand written and so thoughtfully worded – the midwives really did live it all with us.
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It was too early to physically hear our rainbow baby’s heartbeat, but every now and again I could feel a little ‘pop’ of movement. We had made it an almost nightly tradition to place the doppler onto my stomach and just listen to the womb sounds and watch as the heartbeat dropped in and out (again it was too early to get a real reading), but the sounds were comforting and we had made it to 10 week’s gestation. One more week and we would know if our baby was a little brother or sister to our boys and one more week and I would chat again with Dr Kent about our options for delivery.
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Charlie and I hadn’t been back into Nathalia since before Christmas, but after making plans to catch up with a former colleague for lunch – somehow, I decided it was time to visit. It was such a split decision but I was completely at ease with it as both Charlie and I walked through the door to a place we used to call home.
We went into all the rooms, babies, toddlers and 3YO room. Charlie played while I chatted away about the new job and reaped in all the compliments about Charlie’s words, how tall and social he was. There were LOTS of questions about Charlie’s kinder, who his teacher was, how many days he was in for and then questions about the new centre going in across the road at the primary school. I answered honestly and confided that Monday’s were hard while Charlie was in the Occasional Care room, but we had managed to sort out some boundaries and things were finally starting to settle. It was lovely to see everyone but the coldness was still there, I didn’t feel like part of the family anymore, but I also didn’t feel it a great loss either.
We walked out of the building with our heads held high and I was proud of the people my little man and I had become.
More importantly though, my former colleague disclosed that the centre was in the process of organising a plague for Harry to be placed in the toddler room. I loved that they were finally doing something for that beautiful little boy and highlighting the strength the staff had shown in supporting each other following the tragedy. I’ve said it before but I honestly don’t know how the toddler room staff walked into the room the morning after the news broke – I honestly don’t.
I wasn’t sure how I would be feeling on the day of the anniversary, as for me, it was the beginning of our story, and Harry, like Louis, was always on my mind.
'Our Little Louis' 