The following Sunday we were all tired and Charlie was pulling from mine and Dave’s emotions. I was lethargic and spending a lot of time sleeping off the infection, but Dave had gone quiet again and when I asked him to look at my computer as it wouldn’t turn on, our communication failed. I had spent days in pain and unable to get out of bed and I was finally feeling up to getting back to some kind of normality, but I had to ask for help, and I was met with an eyeroll. The sadness and frustration had spent several days building and I needed to get away!
A few weeks back I had found comfort in a place down by the creek, there was a memorial down there from 2014 and a beautiful ‘cabin in the woods’ style house across the road. Still in my nighty and no shoes, I parked the car and sat in silence, the only sound was that of my quiet sobbing. To me I felt my feelings from the past few days had been under-valued. This was a common pattern with Dave and I, I would seek time on my own and Dave would focus entirely on Charlie and his needs – forcing me to heal myself.
We still didn’t have any answers from the pregnancy clinic, despite my calling AGAIN! Now when I called, I was being transferred to the unit manager and she, like the rest was very good at stating the facts. What she did confide though was ‘Maddy I’m so sorry, they’re five of you currently in this position and it’s just horrible, and been very difficult to book you all in,’ I am yet to decide how I felt about this disclosure. She continued to ‘explain’ that they were still waiting on my blood results and therefore they were unable to book the appointment. This was playing on my mind as I bawled my eyes out down by the creek – I was angry, and I still hadn’t allowed myself to feel the emotions from Liam Payne’s death, because I had been confused by them. The death of a celebrity is hard, because you don’t know them, but you still feel the sadness and I needed to allow myself to feel that – despite what others thought.
Sitting alone, I started to feel that I needed to talk to someone, but I was selective about who – I called my sister Alysha, as she had been very support of my mental health from a young age. Unfortunately, she had her sister-in-law visiting and although knew I needed to talk and wanted to help, she was distracted and I didn’t feel any better after our phone call.
After an hour, I returned home. Charlie still had Dave’s full attention but I could see he was upset and we would need to discuss what was going on, but he was still fully focused on our firstborn. Moving passed the two of them, I made my way to the bedroom and berried myself under the covers. Feeling that we wouldn’t be able to resolve this while Charlie was about, I messaged Dave’s parents and asked them to come out and take Charlie as Dave and I were struggling. They came out straight away and Dave’s Mother pushed passed the boys and came into the house and up to the bedroom. She asked if I was ok and again, I burst into tears. She wasn’t aware of the ordeal of my infection, but she could clearly see I wasn’t well, so she got the rundown through my blubbering.
Her and Graham entertained Charlie while Dave and I cried through our pain that had built up over the last week.
We agreed that Charlie was our main priority, however we needed to also make ourselves a priority – our health in particular.
After all the drama, the lovely pregnancy clinic called the following day to inform us that she had managed to book a tentative booking for Monday November, 4. It took all my strength not to give them a piece of my mind considering what we had gone through, but alas I kept my mouth shut, thankful to finally have some movement.
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Following the skin infection, I had an appointment with my ‘local’ doctor in Nathalia. Although my regular doctor who had handled my pregnancy until I was transferred across to Shepparton was on holidays – of course he was – so I was booked in with another doctor.
My anxiety was already through the roof as I sat in the waiting room, waiting to see another doctor who didn’t know our heartbreak and the system failed me as soon as I walked into the room. As I hadn’t been to the clinic since early pregnancy, my file was blocked stating I was ’52 weeks pregnant’. The doctor almost laughed and said ‘now firstly we need to fix this as it says you’re still pregnant, which is medically not possible.’ Feeling defeated and honestly let down by how stupid and inconsiderate this system was to our circumstances, I bluntly replied, ‘no I am not.’ The doctor must have picked up on my tone because his face changed as he frantically tried to override the system. Eventually he asked ‘What happened to the baby?’ and again bluntly, I responded, ‘He was stillborn.’ The questions continued ‘How far along were you?’ again, bluntly, ’36 weeks and 4 days.’
The system didn’t even have an option for baby’s that were stillborn or miscarried – disgusting! Unfortunately, this wouldn’t be the last time I would feel let down by the health care and medical system.
In this day and age where bereaved parents share their stories proudly, write their baby’s names in the sand and donate in their honour, the list goes on. Why was this system STILL in place?! Remind me to make a complaint! What a joke!
If it wasn’t for the leaking ball on puss under my arm that the doctor had yet to tend to, because he couldn’t override the system, I would have walked out right then and there. What hurt more was when he struggled that much to get through the block that he ended up erasing the whole pregnancy from my file – at least that’s how I understood it. He said ‘There we go, it’s gone.’
Horrible, horrible experience.
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To keep myself busy, I regularly kept an eye on Facebook and Gumtree for any decently priced or local horses/pony’s, donkey’s and alpacas. Alpacas especially since the loss of our lamb. And there he was ‘Johnny.’ He was black and white with a smile on his face and I fell in love instantly! He was also $600, which was going to take some explaining, but after chatting to his current owner, I was even more convinced he would be coming home with us. She said Johnny was lovely, would protect our flock and any new lambs that came along, but he was currently in a small pen on his own due to breeding. Apparently, they recommend separating the male from the females once they’re confirmed pregnant. She said that Johnny loved a pat and would come to the fence for a feed – again, perfect!
Before talking to Dave, I messaged the neighbours and asked if I could borrow their trailer and enquired how Johnny would travel. I was learning a lot from his current owner who stated that he would sit down once we started moving.
Once I developed a plan of attack I made the call to Dave, opening with, ‘you know how we don’t have anything planned for our five-year wedding anniversary on Saturday? Well, we’re buying an alpaca!’ My statement was followed by silence, before ‘Are we? And how are you planning on getting this alpaca home?’ To which I word vomited out my entire conversation with the current owner and all my findings – very quickly!
Johnny did not disappoint! He is honestly the most beautiful animal I have come across in a long time. He’s gentle and the very same day we bought him home, he ran across the paddock to me at the fence. Charlie thinks he’s a horse, but happily meets him at the fence for a pat and waves goodbye to him every morning. Our ram, Colin is a little put out of place, but Charlie makes sure Johnny, Colin and the girls get their daily treats.
I really hope Johnny can keep our flock and any future lambs safe but in the mean time he’s definitely put a smile on all our faces and has proved a hit with all our visitors.
'Our Little Louis' 