I can’t honestly tell you when I first felt the boys move while carrying them, however I am definite that it was before 20 weeks! I know that every pregnancy is different, but both Charlie and Louis had almost been identical with their movements, yet this little bugger I could barely feel at all and it was unsettling.
I would spend the entire day stressing, anxiously waiting for confirmed movements that never came. It was a horrible feeling, but currently for me carrying the weight of this baby around felt horribly similar to carrying Louis – knowing he was gone. I hated it!
I found myself hysterically crying and unable to stop several times over the past few weeks, there was just nothing else I could do, I had to let it out.
Visiting Louis had become a blessing, as well as a trigger and after returning to work from being in tears again, I messaged my local midwife, Robyn. I didn’t say anything to any of my team and I made it through the rest of my shift before I headed over to the hospital. I didn’t need much and Robyn understood without judgement, she found bubby’s heartbeat and I thought, ‘you little bugger!’ Robyn explained that within the next four weeks I would defiantly start to feel patterned movements and whatever they were would be what they were, whether that be all day everyday, every second day, certain times of day etc.
I had also sought comfort from Eloise and Harvey’s Mum, Jess, even though she wasn’t expecting herself, she understood the loss. I explained that my anxiety was getting the better of me and I felt like every minute of the day I was waiting for my baby to die, harsh but true. I knew my worried emotions were granted, but I hated the feelings that paired with them – I would burst into tears before I even knew everything had come to head.
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Charlie had become my best mate and partner in crime, I was no longer afraid to take him to the supermarket or out and about shopping. He made us laugh constantly and was communicating more and more every day, he was cheeky and cute – He was becoming the little boy we knew he was destined to be! He was finally being given the chance he deserved to fully thrive and he wasn’t being held back anymore!
We would go on drives together and he would chat away from the back seat, pointing out every truck and tractor we drove past. He wasn’t even shy when we had visitors over, chatting away, patting his hand onto their shoulder to get their attention and smiling when they met his eye.
For me personally I had longed for this connection with our first born and honestly, I had started to lose hope. People had said when we lost Louis that a loss like that would bring us closer together, but the grief was too overwhelming for all of us. But the hard work, change and persistence had finally paid off and we were all able to reap the rewards.
With the weather improving we were all starting to feel a little more motivated about life and we had finally ventured out into the canola fields across the road. Although Charlie wasn’t on his best behaviour, we did manage to get one photo together as a family with the dogs and my beautiful baby bump. It really was a special moment to cherish and my first step into making plans for this baby – our third born.
We were now 21 and a half weeks gestation and when I met with Robyn for my check-up we finally got some answers. She informed us that my placenta was anterior this pregnancy, meaning it was in front of the baby, rather than posterior which is what it had been with both boys prior. This is why I had been struggling to feel this bloody baby move!!!!! And I almost immediately felt myself relax – I wasn’t going insane, this pregnancy really was just completely different – but everything was ok.
Robyn was still concerned about the placenta marginal cord as although I had expressed to the ultrasound technician the importance of measurements, he wasn’t concerned and didn’t document into the report. Due to the lack of information, Robyn requested monthly scans to be completed to keep an eye on things and clearly stated measurements were to be documented!! But while she tried to reassure me that she just wanted to cover all basses, she became teary. ‘I really just want you to feel completely supported and to feel comfortable and safe,’ she said. This was the first time I realised this too was hard on Robyn, she had been through our loss with us and although there was nothing she could have done to save him – she like us, had wanted to. I reassured her that I felt completely comfortable coming to her with anything and I wouldn’t be hesitating this time around, ‘we’ll be bringing this one home.’
It was hard, deep down I knew that, but I had pushed the medical emotions away, but this time I felt it. Of-course Robyn would be feeling the pressure to reassure me this time around, while knowing there’s never any guarantee. I hope she knew I understood this and didn’t in anyway hold her responsible for Louis’ death or the outcome of this baby. The thought had never even crossed my mind.
The days that followed, I finally felt the little miracle in my belly kick. It was still minimal and usually right down under my belly-button, but it was there, almost regularly – this was the only reassurance I needed.
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Things were starting to feel very real. We were currently 23 week’s gestation and although we had made our decisions for delivery it felt like our rainbow baby would be here before we knew it! The last term of kinder was approaching and so too was our follow-up appointment with the Royal Women’s Hospital. The school holidays hadn’t been the stress they had been previously – yes, we had different children attending on their non-regular days, Charlie included! But we were working together as a team and we were getting through the days, one day at a time.
We had also attended our staff appraisals, where management had expressed that they were very happy with my partnership to the team! And although they were saddened to see me finishing so soon, they were very excited for the arrival of baby and my return in the new year.
This, was a very, very different experience than my last appraisal! And if I’m honest, I was sad to be finishing up with a place that had appreciated my work ethics and respected me for me. But family and this baby were my priority and that was also respected by my team – again, very different experience! They were just genuine decent human beings.
'Our Little Louis' 