Spring had sprung and we were surrounded by the yellow sea of canola fields. They always made me smile, but this year they reminded me that I was thankful the farmers around us alternated their crops last year. Canola was planted the year Charlie was born and we share some beautiful photos together out in the fields. This time last year I felt relief that the canola hadn’t sprung as we wouldn’t be sharing the same beautiful photos with our little Louis. This year I didn’t necessarily feel sad while I drove past and admired the canola, but both memories were there, still I managed to smile which was the point I was trying to make.
It was around this time my reaction changed to pregnancy announcements. I’m not sure why, but when I logged onto Facebook that night and saw that an old friend had announced they were expecting in February I was immediately ecstatic for her! As we used to work together with Taylor in Nathalia, we had always referred to ourselves as the dream team, so for me it only felt fitting that we had all come full circle and would be expecting together. I still felt a bit of a sting when it came to some of the earlier pregnancies and I didn’t understand why, but I was learning that sometimes certain things would trigger me and that was ok. No one had been through our story like we had and I think that sometimes when I would be caught off guard it led to grieving our little Louis – it wasn’t anyone’s fault, no one had done anything wrong, sometimes I was just a bit sad. I also hated the comment ‘so many babies for Christmas this year!’ There should be another little boy running around our feet come Christmas time, but there wasn’t.
>>>>
The following week saw me shut down; I just needed a day to rest. I was exhausted and I hadn’t been able write, my headaches had returned and after a day on my feet the threat of a migraine lingered. I needed to write and my feet hurt. It was hard to put into words how I was feeling, so when I had my monthly session with Sarah, I burst into tears – I was just so tired and I felt like I wasn’t getting the support I needed mentally regarding the arrival of this baby. The baby didn’t even feel real at this point, I could barely feel him and I was over the anticipation, he was 20 week’s gestation for god’s sake! Sarah had a way of making me realise the obvious – even the real deep emotions. I was too caught up in the lack of movements with this baby, I was avoiding his arrival. But how was I meant to prepare for this baby’s arrival when Louis never made it home?
She also suggested I find a way to say goodbye to the past – to Louis – never forget, but make space for the new baby. How to do that, was up to me . . .
In Australia, a stillbirth is defined as a baby dying after 20 weeks of pregnancy or at a weight of 400g or more. Why was it so important that my baby make it past this point? So he too would be justified to the world?!
I realised I was still looking for answers, why had Louis been taken from us? Why had other babies been allowed to arrive safely? I had spent my life believing ‘everything happens for a reason.’ Louis had changed my entire outlook on life and I was scared to go through it all again. Scared to live with this heartache for the rest of our lives, scared to be excited for the arrival of this baby, it was hard to be excited about anything these days. I didn’t want to be surrounded by celebration while people whinged about how tragic their lives were, yet I would force myself to put on a smile and grin through it – I just couldn’t do it anymore. If I were to plan for this baby, I needed space and time to rest on my own.
Dave and I had discussed names, but like the two before him, we wouldn’t decide until he arrived, still or alive. I had disclosed my need for a pool this summer as my image of swollen ankles and wearing a ‘moo-moo’ floating in the neighbour’s pool would no longer be an option due to a large crack that occurred a month ago. The expense outweighed the repair and they had decided to fill it in and create an alfresco area, complete with a spa.
We had always discussed the addition of a pool, but due to our closeness that grew with the neighbours we decided our money was better spent elsewhere – while we had the use of their pool anyway! Dave gave me a budget of $1000 and we made a plan to head into Shepparton on Father’s Day to view some of our options. Dave claimed he just didn’t want to deal with an uncomfortable, fat and cranky pregnant woman come Christmas time, however I think he was secretly excited for this addition. It would also come in handy come the four-week break, with Charlie at home and of-course give me a break once the baby arrived.
I had also made the decision to conclude work at 30 weeks’ gestation, because I was actually given the option to dictate when I would like to finish up – rather than be told! This would give me 10 more weeks at work, finishing mid-November. Giving me at least six weeks at home to prepare for bubby’s arrival and get my head straight! I still didn’t know how to plan for our rainbow baby, but I had set things in motion to get my mental health on track.
The point had been questioned by Sarah that I also hadn’t allowed myself to prepare for Louis’ arrival – why? I had been determined to finish my diploma and I had a point to prove!
But what if it were more? Sarah reminded me of my postpartum experience with Charlie – I hadn’t forgotten. It just hadn’t occurred to me that I may have been avoiding the possible outcome of postnatal depression a second time around.
Did I fear that would happen postpartum this time? Absolutely! But our circumstances had changed this time, Charlie was in the right place and I had a supportive workplace. That, I’d never had before. Maybe that was the reason I had been looking for, the reason we had lost Louis? To change our lives for the better? Surely life couldn’t be that cruel though? To take a baby? I felt I would forever be looking for an answer, but life just didn’t work that way and I needed to accept that – but would I ever find peace with that?
'Our Little Louis' 