My relationship with our family doctor dates back to my very first pap smear test – but let’s not go there! And just say, Dr Sampson looked after my prenatal care and delivery of our first born, Charlie. She also delivered my niece, Leila, in 2015, so you get it, long list of connections. We wanted the same delivery for Louis, through Echuca, but due to the blood clot we were labelled high risk and refused admittance.
She had however handled our miscarriage and had seen us in our early days with Louis, but inevitably we were referred to Shepparton. It was upon discharge at the hospital that I fought for my follow up appointments to be booked in with Echuca Moama Family Medical Practice.
I had rung the clinic the day before my six-week physical check-up to ensure Dr Sampson was aware of our situation and to avoid any possible misunderstandings. This was one of the first times I referred to Louis as ‘stillborn’ and I hated myself for it. The lady I spoke to passed on her condolences and reassured me that there was a note on our file stating our loss but she would personally follow it up before tomorrow.
Dr Sampson did not let us down and I was in tears within minutes because the first thing she said to me was ‘Louis’, followed by ‘tell me what I can do, you’ve had such a tough few months’. Dave and I didn’t really have any real concerns at that point because we were still awaiting autopsy results, but she took us through all of our options moving forward. She explained that if we were at all unhappy with either the results or any care received by the hospital that we could be referred to the Royal Women’s Hospital. She explained they could go through our results more thoroughly, and at the time I didn’t think anything of this comment, but I do remember wondering ‘why’. She also suggested that when/if we decided to attempt another pregnancy that we could go enterally through the Royal Women’s Hospital. Her main concern for the time being was the mysterious blood clot that had haunted my whole pregnancy and she wanted to refer me to a Haematologist. This had been playing on my mind also as we were never really given any confirmation that the blood clot had actually gone, only that the doctors had lost sight of it because my uterus had expanded. Regardless I was to stay on clexane for the entirety of the pregnancy and six weeks post-delivery.
Furthermore, I was cleared to drive again and encouraged to just take my time, keep moving forward and ask questions when things were unclear.
At this point things were still very raw and although I was feeling the emotions of my grief, I felt I hadn’t hit rock bottom – and I was scared.
I was using the days on my own to sleep mostly, for it was the only time I could actually get any uninterrupted rest. Then if I was feeling up to it, I got stuck into painting the kitchen that had been renovated two years prior but we had never gotten around to choosing a colour and buying the paint. My goal was to at least have the walls finished by Christmas that year and then if I had the motivation to tackle the ceiling. I actually quite enjoy painting, but I have to have my music blaring and be able to go at my own pace, and if I’m honest, I need to be on my own.
Mum was still coming over on a Tuesday so this was when I would focus on the cleaning and washing – all the stuff I hated doing – so that on my days at home there was no pressure.
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Our first Father’s Day without Louis was just one of those milestones we had to get through. We celebrated in Benalla with my family on the Saturday, but I had taken the cowards way out when it came to writing on my own father’s card – I just couldn’t find the words – so I just didn’t even buy him one.
Dave’s present was hard enough as I had organised a personalised lolly jar stating ‘Love your boys’. I felt it would be the only year we could write such as statement and it was to celebrate the intended arrival of our second born. The idea came about from Dave pre- stocking the pantry with hard boiled lollies for the prediction of history repeating itself and doing midnight laps of the house with a screaming baby in toe. I wanted to give him something to remember that moment when we had headed into the supermarket together, laughing and reminiscing, excited for the arrival of our second born.
I did find comfort in using the words ‘your boys’ or ‘the boys’ and it became a way that I could comfortably reference the fact that we had two sons, one earthside and one with wings. At the time I thought I would only use this reference once and only between Dave and myself, but I did continue to use it when I felt it appropriate and I’m thankful I found a way to include our little boy in the life we were forced to continue on with, without him.
'Our Little Louis' 