I’m not big on tattoos, I’m not into sleaves or lions or dragons, but I do have a few small images of ink on my body that I love! When we had the miscarriage in late 2023, I expressed my desire to get another one, the vision was of two hearts – I’m not sure why two, maybe one for Charlie. However, being blessed to fall pregnant with Louis within the same cycle meant I was unable to get anything done, but I never forgot the need to. Over the nine months pregnant with Louis, my vision changed and I had decided I wanted to go bigger and incorporate lyrics into the design. I spent months brainstorming, listening to different songs and picking out lyrics that resonated with what I was feeling. Louis Tomlinson’s song ‘Two of Us’ was always a front runner with the lyrics ‘all of this, is all for you,’ along with ‘Just hold on’ with a ‘darling’ in front of it. These were followed closely by ‘Perfect Now – Given half the chance,’ ‘We Made It – Underestimated,’ ‘Fearless – Strong enough to get it wrong,’ ‘Walls – You were my because,’ and ‘Only For The Brave.’
Needless to say, I was undecided. But the loss of our little Louis brought a new lyric into view, ‘One Direction – Little Things,’ and a blue butterfly. The lady I contacted about doing the tattoo was so beautiful and I felt comfortable to disclose our circumstances and share our story – I was booked in Thursday morning, October 16. Little did I know what else was waiting for me when I woke that fine spring morning.
My friend Courtney had sent me a TikTok while I was getting ready – It was a comfort tradition we shared so I was excited to see what was sent through. It was a recent photo of One Direction’s band member, Liam Payne, stating R.I.P 1993 – 2024, Courtney’s message read ‘Surely this is a joke?’
My heart dropped! All I did was Google ‘Liam Payne’ and there it was, everywhere – I didn’t know the details but I immediately phoned Courtney, my voice barely there, ‘Babe, it’s everywhere, it’s true.’
Courtney was also lost for words, frantically trying to find out what the hell had happened! The articles stated the 31-Year-Old had ‘fallen’ from the third floor of a hotel balcony in Buenos Aires, Argentina. The news had broken right on 9am and on a morning I was at home on my own with Charlie and no time to really feel whatever it was I was feeling.
I was worried about the neighbours, as I had some what brainwashed them with my love of One Direction over the past 12 months. Fiona would be ok because she, like me, was a Louis girl, but Justine’s little heart would be broken – she was a Liam girl.
I rang Suzie (the twin’s mother) on my way into day-care, she answered the phone and pulled the words right out of my mouth, ‘Oh Maddy, how are we going to tell these girls?!’
I suggested I come over after the girls finish school and help soften the blow.
The rest of the day seemed to drag on and on, and the speculations were circling. Due to my current interest in the band, I was well caught up on all the flaws the boys went through to be ‘One Direction.’ They had been locked in their hotel rooms, fought with each other and management. Liam in particular had also struggled with addiction, drugs and alcohol.
More recently Liam had been again caught up in the media due to his ex-girlfriend Maya Henry who had released a book titled ‘Looking Forward.’
One Direction fans stated that the fandom had been broken, as they fell into the rabbit hole of Maya’s stories and other girls had come forward stating that Liam had been inappropriate with them, claiming ‘Liam abused the naivety of the fandom.’ Ironically as word of Liam’s death continued, Maya, who had been posting TikTok after TikTok of One Direction ‘revelations,’ went quiet. The other girls did too.
And then there was the Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs angle, which is still being investigated.
What broke my heart the most was one; Louis, who had already lost his mother and sister, now one of his best mates, and two; Karen Payne, Liam’s mother, who now had to plan a funeral for her son, as we had only weeks earlier. Thirdly; his son Bear, who now would grow up without his ‘Daddy’. The speculations kept coming, Liam had been locked in his hotel room by the staff, his girlfriend had left for home two days prior, he jumped/he was pushed, and there was alcohol and drugs involved. The news broke everywhere I looked and both Liam’s solo songs and One Direction bangers were topping the charts again – Little Things included. This came as a blessing and a curse, I hadn’t listened to the song since Louis’ funeral, it overwhelmed me at first, but now I am able to sing along and enjoy the song again.
I struggled to believe the uncanniness of all that we had been through in the past few months – I hadn’t been a One Direction fan and I had laughed when they announced they were ‘taking a break’ back in 2015. But I had enjoyed their songs and had back in the day downloaded them and burnt them onto mixed CDs for the car, so I knew the words.
During my low point after having Charlie, I started listening to more uplifting songs to motivate me and I came across their movie ‘This is us’ and fell in love with Louis Tomlinson -the rest is history. But when we decided to name our baby, Louis, I never imagined that only weeks later one of the One Direction members would be dead.
I wondered over to the neighbours when I got home and Justine melted into my arms – to her, the death of Liam Payne would impact her whole world. It was because of me that One Direction had come into the girl’s world and I could feel the weight of that on my shoulders. All I can continue to hope for is that they never see any of the crime scene photos from the horrible death that occurred that day.
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While all this was going on, I had a nasty skin infection brewing under my arm. I had tried to keep it clean and hoped it would pop on its own, but the pain became unbearable and the day after the news of Liam Payne’s death I was headed into Urgent Care in Shepparton. I told myself I would be ok to go on my own, but once I arrived and I was sitting alone in the waiting room, watching TikTok’s while Channel Nine aired a group message from the One Direction boys about the death of ‘their brother,’ I sat and sobbed.
After an hour I was called into the nurse’s office, she asked about my recent history. It was at this very moment I realised that Louis wasn’t just our baby, he would forever be a part of my medical history. I wasn’t sure how to answer the question but I knew I had to inform the nurse of our loss as I was worried it could be linked to mastitis. I managed to get the words out, calmly that I had delivered my baby three months ago, before my eyes welled and I concluded with ‘he didn’t survive.’ The nurse stopped typing and immediately stated ‘I’m so sorry for your loss,’ and comforted me in her arms. The wait for the doctor then was minimal and after receiving a script for antibiotics I was sent on my way. I made it to the door before bursting into tears again and stumbled through the carpark to my car – I knew I wasn’t going to make it home on my own.
I hadn’t noticed the lady in the car next to me, but it was clear when she knocked on my window that she had noticed me! She mouthed ‘are you ok?’ and when I nodded, she responded with ‘are you sure?’ and I showed her my phone that said I was calling ‘Hubby’ and she nodded and walked away.
Poor Dave received the phone call and made his way across from work to drive me home.
The infection took almost a week to clear, even with antibiotics, and unfortunately the pain got worse before it got better. It felt like I had broken my shoulder for the position I had to hold my arm in for the next few days, I couldn’t lift anything and because the infection had moved through my blood, I physically felt sick.
Doctors had suggested it was a boil that had formed from an ingrown hair I had removed weeks earlier, which had most likely left bacteria causing the infection to occur. The boil itself became the size of a 20c piece, but the infection made its way down my arm to my elbow and down the side of my torso – I’ve since learned it’s a skin condition called Hidradenitis Suppurativa (HS).
The relief I felt the morning after the boil popped was in high percent from the pain I had been feeling.
I now live in fear of any such pain ever returning again.
'Our Little Louis' 