Although almost six months on from our loss, Christmas 2024 felt like we were grieving all over again.
Christmas Eve was quiet and as I rummaged through the nursery wardrobe to find Charlie’s presents that I had put off wrapping until now, I sort comfort in leaving the door open behind me – it was just something small that helped us fill our boy’s absence.
While I wrapped Charlie’s presents to place under the tree, Dave was outside putting together the swing set that was intended to be a joint present for both our boys that year. We had discussed possibly swopping the swing set for something less extravagant, however we decided to keep things as we had intended – our minds were scrambled enough without having to brainstorm another present.
We had kept things simple for Christmas Day and agreed to lunch with Dave’s family in town, before heading across to my family in Benalla. More importantly, we made time to visit our beautiful boy at the cemetery, despite our full day of commitments – this was our priority, so we made time.
We were expected to be in Benalla by 4PM – I didn’t care – We were on our way by 3.30PM, that was good enough! On our way I received a phone call from Mum to tell me that Grandma and Grandad were still at my sisters – in fact they were waiting for us.
In all honesty, I had avoided seeing a lot of family once we lost Louis, but seeing my grandparents was always going to be one of the hardest and I just kept putting it off.
Six months on and they were making a stand ‘nope, we’ll wait for Maddy and Dave, then we’ll go home,’ Grandma said, and that was end of story. I understood and knew my time was up – didn’t make things any easier though.
Amongst the excitement and lugging in all our items from the car, I avoided eye contact until I was ready. There were no hugs, I was there, that was enough – no one was to tough me unless it was on my terms. Without any words I made my way across to Grandma and hugged her tightly, where we were embraced like that for several minutes, just holding each other. There was no mention of Louis, but he was there and we all knew it. Grandad just held my hand stating ‘we waited for you.’
I know in my heart that I will end up being very thankful for this day, as deep down we all knew it was most likely Grandad’s last Christmas – unfortunately we’ve all been saying it for too many years now.
I tried to keep busy by preparing the fruit we had brought across, but I was bought to tears when the kids went out the front to wave goodbye to Grandma and Grandad. Our little boy should have been within their arms, been showered in kisses and love from his Great Grandparents, but he wasn’t, not physically anyway.
Before we knew it, it was time to start with the hand out of presents and time for me to fully fall apart. Both my mother and sisters had put something together under the tree for Louis. Mum’s present was the completed patchwork blanket that she had intended to gift him once he was born – it was green, grey and white with sheep on it and very sweet.
The card read;
To Maddy and Dave
something special to keep,
made for baby Louis with love!
Lots of love
Mum and Dad xxoo
Ironically the present my sisters had organised was a blanket also, but this one was to match in with Charlie’s and his older cousins. All five children had a personalised blanket from ‘The Knit Studio,’ Louis’ the first to include an image, a butterfly.
This was the tipping point, I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer and they just kept coming, like a tap that was missing its washer. I fought through it and walked our items out to the car – I just needed a few minutes to grieve in silence.
My sisters met me at the door on my way back in and again I was embraced into a long, loving hug. Ebony actually thought I didn’t like the blanket, or worried it may have been too much, but I loved it and thought it was so very thoughtful for our boy to be included in what had become a family tradition.
But it was when I shared the old wives tale I had come across, that by wrapping a blanket under the tree at Christmas time sends the wish of a baby for the following year, that everyone’s eyes welled.
I made myself a coffee after that and the kids, and ‘big kids’ got in the pool.
The relief I felt, we had made it through all our tasks for the day and we were all ok! It wasn’t easy, we were rushed and we were exhausted, Charlie included, but we were done.
Before heading back to Mum and Dad’s for the night, we took Charlie down to the local lake, where they had set up a lights display including a large Christmas Tree and baubles. Charlie loves to travel across the bridge and it was something special we could do together before Christmas was done for another year.
We posted a photo to Facebook of Charlie posing with one of the Christmas baubles with a digitally added blue butterfly, stating ‘Merry Christmas Everyone,’ before calling it a night.
The following day, Boxing Day, Charlie and I made our way home in the Mazda while Dave had agreed to drive Daniel’s Mack truck back to ours, intending to give it a once over while off work until New Years.
On our way through Numurkah, we passed by the cemetery and both Dave and I honked our horns twice, once for Grandpa and once for our beautiful boy – Charlie giggling from the backseat.
'Our Little Louis' 