The fear I felt during orientation with Charlie at the new childcare centre was something from out of this world – I was absolutely terrified! I felt so out of place and confused, I didn’t have access to the roster or discussion forum and there were several papers that needed signing that the manager ‘just hadn’t got to.’ The kids didn’t scare me, it was not knowing where the toilet or staff room was, it was not knowing how the staff log in worked, having no assigned locker – I just felt very uneasy about the whole thing. I guess I was there as a parent at the time but I had hoped that someone would take me under their wing prior to my first shift to ease my nerves. I was honestly starting to doubt whether I had made the right decision in starting over in a new place. Charlie didn’t have a care in the world, but my lip was quivering and it took all the strength I had to hold back the tears.
There was question about my shift as I had been added to the rotating roster (opens and closes) due to staff shortages, which completely derailed me and I was in tears before heading out of town. I just couldn’t contemplate messing with Charlie’s new routine any more than means necessary, and again it wasn’t my fault that there were staffing shortages – if I wanted to do a rotating shift I would have stayed in Nathalia.
Anyway, I sent an email through expressing my concerns and that I was under the impression that my shift was up for discussion before commencing work. Apparently, this had been lost in translation and due to my diploma qualification, I was of more value on the rotating shift – again not my problem! And I made it clear that if my needs weren’t met, I would seek employment elsewhere. This would be hard enough without being bossed around by people who didn’t know our story, or in my opinion, hadn’t cared to find out. I wasn’t happy and I didn’t know how my first shift would go the following week, but I had to try.
Our first day, as Charlie and I walked in, the staff member sitting at the front counter didn’t even look up to say ‘hello’ – not a good start! I still didn’t have an allocated locker and wasn’t given a walk through, but I knew where Charlie’s room was so I started there.
Drop off went smoothly for Charlie and I felt myself breathe for the first time since leaving home that morning.
Next, I had to figure out how the kiosk log in worked, again on my own while the staff member sat at the desk claiming I should have been sent an email with a code – I hadn’t received an email. Turns out I hadn’t completed that section, I had however, set Dave’s so I used that with the intention of fixing mine once home. I ended up helping another new parent log in as she too had not received the email, while my new co-worker continued to sit beside me still unhelpfully claiming ‘I’m sorry I don’t know how that part works.’
Once I had that part sorted it was time to work out my own log in – me and technology don’t mix well and I felt like I had met my quoter for the day and it wasn’t even 9AM yet! Luckily, I had completed my pre-training, not that anyone had checked in and I ended up being placed in the toddler room for the day – again I felt myself take a breath.
This was where I could thrive, get to know my team, routine and children, I could do this!
And Charlie was doing really well, quietly playing and keeping himself occupied. He would run up to the fence and say ‘Hi Mummy!’ and run off – we were both at ease.
I did continue to chase my tale for the remainder of the day and made the comment ‘I’m just flying blind’ when asked if I had been shown around, but I was ok.
But the following day things got worse.
Charlie didn’t want to go into his room and he hadn’t settle after I had gone on to my room either. The first I heard that he was not coping was when one of the educators appeared at the window and I looked over to find him beside himself, in tears and carrying around his blanket – my heart sank. This behaviour continued for the entire day and it was just horrible. Charlie was scream-crying at me through the fence before one of the educators in my room headed across to tell the educators in Charlie’s room to pull their heads in and put in the effort to interact with him because I wasn’t coping.
Although I was thankful for this initiative, I was furious at the situation that had unfolded before my eyes – Charlie had literally been left to scream my name at the fence while three educators stood at the door of the kinder room before one of them said ‘It’s because he can see Mum.’
From this point on, Charlie spent the afternoons going back and forth between his room and mine – which I’m sure he had got exactly what he wanted, but there was no way around it, if the kinder team weren’t to support him than I had to.
This was something I had felt strongly against about in the past, for two reasons; one, Charlie’s independent development and two, so I could do my job adequately – I really struggled to be a parent and an educator at the same time and include Charlie as part of my 1:4 ratio. It just wasn’t possible for me to separate the two.
But alas we didn’t choose this life, yet we were forced to wake up and live to it every day, and currently Charlie needed me to be those two people – it wouldn’t be easy.
By the end of the day, we were both absolutely exhausted and burst into tears as we set our sights on Dave as we pulled into the carport.
Thankfully our days had been swapped from Thursday to Friday due to staffing shortages so Charlie and I enjoyed a day at home before returning for round three. We just hung out and played together all day and I think it was exactly what the doctor ordered.
Friday went better than the day before but there was still a lot of back and forth for the little man. At least Charlie’s educators were taking the time to get to know him, bringing in books from home and making plans to incorporate his interests into the set-up of the room. Charlie had his own One Direction sanctuary put in place, complete with music and pictures which made my heart swell. He was starting to address the educators by name and use more words to express himself, but we would have a long way to go.
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The following week didn’t get off to a great start, with no regular educators in my room to guide me. So many questions, so many unknowns and just for fun, two brand new children for the day! There were no visual guides either (due to printer error) and we had to do everything the hard way, all the while two children were screaming at us.
Even the small things like what children had their own sunscreen – I didn’t know! Which children were toilet training – I didn’t know! And to top it all off, my poor Charlie was still sobbing at the fence. It was horrible to see him so upset after all he had been through and now because of a decision I had made for him.
I woke at 3AM the next morning and wrote a list of all the things that were troubling me, didn’t help that I had received my first payslip and been listed as a ‘casual employee’, therefore no discount for Charlie’s care and no track of annual or sick leave.
The following day went much the same – stress – lost – hangry; the list goes on. I wasn’t happy and not only was I struggling, but to see Charlie struggle was just horrible. Could they not understand that he and I had already been through so much more than most and we needed to be nurtured, was that really too much to ask?
I knew going back to Nathalia wasn’t the answer but I wasn’t sure Numurkah was our end game like we had hoped. There was just so much going on and out of all six shifts I had worked, I had been left to run the room at least three of those days – I just didn’t have the strength!
I really was flying blind and confused by protocols, children and bloody admin! The nerves I felt when needing to address certain issues or questions took all I had, and I was continually met with bluntness and blank faces. I honestly didn’t know what to do and everyone who I spoke to told me to hang in there and things would get better or Charlie would settle but I just wanted to scream at them ‘YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT’S LIKE!’
That night I got home and in tears again, I looked up at Dave and I asked if it would be ok if I could take the dogs for a swim down the creek – he agreed and I got into my bathers. This was something I used to do a lot after a day working in the newspaper industry, another job where I took on the world and got my face rubbed in the dirt time and time again.
Things had changed since having Charlie and we didn’t get down to the creek as often as we used to, but it was still something we really enjoyed. And once I jumped off the jetty and into the water while my three best mates ran up the bank or swam around me, I remembered why it was exactly what I needed. I loved this place; it was my happy place and I needed to remember that it would always be there for me when I needed it.
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I honestly can’t put into words how my third week of work was going, I felt that I couldn’t rely on anyone else but myself and I was seriously considering enquiring with the stand alone kinder in Numurkah. Originally, I hadn’t because it would mean Charlie and I would be sharing a room, however with the rate we were currently going things might end up that way anyway. Charlie started to sob as soon as I nosed the car into the carpark and it just broke my heart – this wasn’t our little boy! The pain of his cries hit so deep and I couldn’t put into words just how painful it was to see him so traumatised by the changes I had implemented. This was also the reason I hadn’t left Nathalia earlier than I had, but losing Louis being that final straw. But now, every tear that Charlie shed tug at that pain and it was a constant reminder of what we had lost and what we had left behind.
To top things off I had another skin infection, this time on my neck, right on my hair line and it was making me feel nauseous – didn’t help that we also had a route of gastro making its way through the centre. Things were just not going great so when the director questioned my vaccination records and why my MMR immunisation documentation was not listed? I questioned why this had not been flagged back in November? I was exhausted and I honestly couldn’t give a stuff about my paperwork!
I learnt that Fridays were a disaster due to staff unavailability and I had stupidly volunteered myself right on into their trap. But having the Thursday off mid-week seemed to work for us also, giving us a rest day between shifts. Things weren’t getting any easier but we had to believe that we would come out bigger and stronger the other side.
The days continued and before we knew it, Charlie and I were making our way through our fourth week at Numurkah, and things were finally starting to look up.
Charlie had made several connections with educators and children and although hesitant, would walk in on his own and show me around his room. There were still tears, but less and he was even starting to put down his riffy racoon and blanket – I was so proud of him!
Things were improving but things weren’t perfect so when I didn’t have educator support, as other parents would have, I would become upset. I physically needed someone to take Charlie from my arms, I needed that as a parent, but this place was hectic and so unbelievably unorganised it would happen time and time again. I would get stuck in the kinder room, expected to leave Charlie in tears and the other solo educator understaffed to swop with an educator in my room – it just wasn’t right and I wasn’t happy. I couldn’t continue to put in the work with Charlie and reach milestones, only for him to be sent backwards because of incompetent staff. On top of that, I was still getting to know the children in my own room and gain their respect and some kind of authority with them. These kids were strong willed and I was constantly tripping over myself throughout the day. Asking, who’s bag is this? Why are there 15 kids on this list and 16 on this one? Where is your hat? Who’s shoes are these? And then there were the parents at pick up and their questions – How long did they sleep? Did they eat? Did they have any accidents? Where is their dummy/teddy/blanket? etc.
I just felt like my mind was racing all day, I was literally treading water and barely staying afloat – I had to hang on!!!!
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I was starting to feel that I would never find somewhere I belonged – somewhere I was valued – somewhere I felt heard – somewhere to call home. I wasn’t receiving the support I needed and I felt I was constantly being asked too much of because other staff were bringing their home dramas through the front door and it was pathetic. I just couldn’t believe the selfishness of these people and to make matters worse there was a position available at the stand alone kinder in Numurkah! I didn’t know what to do, I was still listed as a casual employee (because they just hadn’t gotten around to it) and I just felt very undervalued.
Then just as I was starting to feel some kind of sense of belonging after my photo was taken for the staff wall and I had signed a new contract, stating my permanent employment, another educator hit me with guidance about Charlie. I just couldn’t go one day without being brought to tears.
Charlie’s development had always been a concern to me, yet it had never been received by others. My mother would say ‘he’s a boy, they always develop slower than girls,’ and at Nathalia he had been issued with a behaviour plan due to his biting habit. I felt constantly frustrated by the fact that he had been held back in the nursery by six months while other children (some even younger than him) were moved up and then the same thing happened again in the toddler room. In all honesty though, I was annoyed because Charlie was acting like an only child and he wasn’t. He was a big brother to our angel baby, Louis.
By Wednesday I was fuming! The same educator who had shared their opinion the day before had now called in and demanded answers regarding the care of another child. She wanted to know why it was not picked up that the child was unwell and had come down with a temperature before vomiting after the regular staff had gone home. The director came around to chat to those who were left within ratio that afternoon, including me! My problem was that I had already brought Charlie across from the kinder room because he was (again) standing at the fence while several educators stood around chatting. All of the nursery staff had gone home and not passed on any messages regarding the children and I couldn’t have told you anything about this child.
I was still feeling lost within my own room, let alone taking on the nursery children! I was furious and I spent the whole morning being a horrible person because I vented quite loudly about my frustrations, so once the children within my room had settled, I burst into tears.
I came home and applied for the position advertised at the other Kinder and told work I wouldn’t be in for my shift on Friday.
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I actually came out of work the following week feeling really good about the day myself and Charlie had. I had spoken to the director and was told ‘we don’t want to lose you’, Charlie had played and laughed and thrived, but again, I came home to that same feeling of dread and pure frustration. Again, we were discussing my shift, or lack of to be honest! The roster had been released and my shift had been changed without any pre-consultation from management. I just felt like I couldn’t win and I decided enough was enough and I sent a message through to management and asked the reasoning for the change and again I was hit back with protocol.
The following morning, I was again in tears and neglecting ratio as I walked out of the toddler room. By 10am I had been confronted by management and they were not happy. Understandably there had been a lot of changes regarding the current roster and (again) understandably, people were upset, but I had coped the full front of their frustration and in return they got mine.
I explained to them that I felt I was taking on a lot within my role to support other staff and all the children within our care – yet all I asked for was a set shift as it would appear other staff were intitled to! I concluded that I had messaged because I felt comfortable to do so, but I wouldn’t be doing so again.
I resigned the following Friday.
'Our Little Louis' 