My skin was healing, however slowly and I honestly felt like I hadn’t got a good night’s sleep since before pregnant with Louis – and I was honestly just sad. Something had to change! Louis would always be a part of us and yes, we would never stop missing him or wishing he were here, but I didn’t want to live my life this way. I wanted to laugh, I wanted to sleep through the night and we wanted another baby – this wouldn’t be possible without some help. I took a leap and contacted a local naturopath and asked for her insight and if she could help in any way. She replied straight away and suggested I try both Emotional Release Technique (ERT) and general naturopathy as a starting point. I didn’t know what to expect, but I booked the appointment and paid the $75 deposit!
The morning of Saturday, April 12 saw me make my way into Shepparton for what I hoped would be the appointment to change my life – it defiantly cost enough!
I had no idea what to expect but after chatting openly with the Naturopath, I felt more at ease. She referenced my email several times, but also asked questions, she remembered both the boy’s names and jotted away at my file on the computer.
Again, I didn’t know what to expect but the machine she pulled out to pair my needs with particular medications was mind blowing! She asked me to hold one end which was kind of like holding a microphone upright to my chest, while she poked another attachment at my fingers, almost drawing on them. When this was connected to a third piece which contained a variety of medications, the fourth and final part would send a noise signal. It was like scientific magic – I certainly didn’t understand! But apparently what connected with my personal needs was BicoZn, AlkaMin Calm and Omega Ease – I wasn’t going to argue! And all were safe to take both while trying to conceive and while pregnant – it was a win win!
The Emotional Release Technique was different again and a bit weird. However, it was the emotions that were identified; control, hurt, hate, grief, jealousy, undervalued, false pride, the list went on and on, and we worked through them all. There was no judgement, just healing and positivity. I understood my grief regarding Louis, I felt like I had failed as a mother and I would always, always miss him. I hated that he had been taken from us, I felt the medical system had let us down and I was jealous of other people’s successful pregnancies. But there was more and I wasn’t aware it was there until the flashes started, yes Louis was the entirety, the trauma from Nathalia, but there was also beautiful Harry. The flashes were of the unknown, the accident that killed him and his mother. It was the expectedness that we were all to rock up to work the next day and keep our mouths shut due to privacy guidelines. It was the fear of entering the toddler room, knowing he was meant to be in care that day and the hurt I felt when I noticed that the love-hearts where his name had once been written had been rubbed away. That I felt, but couldn’t own, Harry wasn’t mine, he didn’t belong to me, yet it was his little face I could see when I closed my eyes – he was wrapped up in all the pain. The Naturopath kept saying ‘there’s another layer there,’ but I couldn’t voice it, I was already struggling to repeat her words as it was, I just couldn’t dig any deeper – not this time anyway.
The words that triggered me were ‘it’s possible for me to feel happy,’ my eyes watered, ‘I am a good mother, even though I lost Louis,’ my voice broke, and lastly, ‘even though I lost Louis, I fully love and accept myself.’ This would take time, but I was hopeful.
>>>>
The thrill from seeing Charlie succeed at Numurkah was just the best outcome we could have ever asked for! It really was the best place for him and finally, finally he was thriving – as he should be! I was happy in the occasional care side, hanging out with the combined age group and being able to tap in and out between the two. I didn’t feel I fitted in with the other educators as well as I had in Nathalia, but the need for playful banter in the workplace didn’t impower a move back to the past. I was happy doing the set, shorter hours and it was reassuring knowing Charlie was in the best hands. I still wasn’t sure it was the right fit for me, but if it wasn’t, I didn’t know where my story was destined. I had done the work; I was a valued employee and I believed I was doing a good job?
I believed if my life was destined for another pathway than it would find me and until then I would be making the most of our lives in Numurkah.
The Thursday before the Easter long weekend my colleague informed me that a local farmer had dumped a baby lamb at her house – apparently this was some kind of agreement they had due to the farmers lack of commitment to poddy lambs. My colleague however didn’t have the room to keep them so would rehome them once they were stable.
It had been soooo long since I had nursed a poddy lamb and I could feel my heart pulsating!
The problem was the lamb was a Merino Border Leicester x Poll Dorset. Apparently, this was a common practice in the sheep industry to produce prime lamb mothers (Merino x Border Leicester) and then fast-growing, high-quality lambs (first-cross x Poll Dorset). To me, all I heard was ‘wool’ lamb and I feared my husband wouldn’t talk to me for a week! But she was a girl and she needed a home! So, I put my big girl panties on and called Dave, to my surprise he wasn’t fazed and I was the one left speechless! He didn’t even hesitate when I asked him to grab some milk powder on his way home.
The lamb became the newest member of the team and hung out with us and the kids for the afternoon, before riding shotgun in the Mazda on the way home.
She was a real sweetheart and I decided to name her ‘Flossy’ as she relaxed and fell asleep on my lap while waiting for the long weekend to start.
I was still torturing myself, testing daily, telling myself every time I would get a negative line that I wouldn’t test again until after my scheduled missed period, before testing again the following day. The problem was, I was so aware of my body and its symptoms that I was convinced I was pregnant and that the tests would give me peace of mind – they never did. The tests I would take continued to show the same faint positive line that never got any darker until it disappeared completely and my period would return.
Easter Sunday, I woke to the familiar feeling. I thought, ‘no, it can’t be!’ For the past two days I had believed we were successfully pregnant and that the following Tuesday (period due date) would confirm this hopefulness. But there it was, two days early, again. This had become a familiar pattern over the past two cycles and it was messing with my head! I knew I needed to stop testing, I swear, I knew! But I longed for another baby and without it I had lost all hope in the world.
How could this be our lives now? We should be cuddling an eight-month-old and celebrating his first Easter right now. Instead, we were visiting him at the cemetery and I was hurting from yet another early miscarriage.
'Our Little Louis' 